Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Midnight Rant..

It's crazy when you take the time to really think about life and what it means to YOU... I have spent so much of my time living for others and what they thought of me and above and behind to make others happy to a point of I forgot to make me happy. I have changed my life and my perception of life for others to keep them in my life to a point of where I have affected my mind to where I get afraid of the thought of someone leaving me, I get afraid of the thought if I make this person sad, mad, or unhappy they are gonna leave me and it's like that thought invokes these feelings in me or should I say in my mind that is UNFATHOMABLE it makes me feel like my world will END. Then I take the time to think and do what I am doing now (writing and listening to music) and it brings me back to the person I used to be who loved to walk, read, and write and play with my dog all day every day when life for me seemed so much more happier and simpler.


I used to always wonder why I didn't like being involved in a relationship back when I was in college and the older I get the more I realize when I am reading a book or writing on my blog or even making a YouTube video I like to by myself and the answer to that is so simple... "I Concentrate Better". It seems that some of us get into relationships and concentrate on just that..."The Relationship" and we as women (some of us) do whatever we know how to do to make sure this relationship works out for the better. We do what we feel is necessary to make sure that our mate (male or female) is happy and satisfied regardless to rather or not we are happy or not. It seems that for one reason or another our feelings and happiness falls on the back burner.

Our dreams and aspirations in life fall to the waste side and no longer matter because in some relationships or should I call them situationships some partners feel some kind of way if you spend to much time doing something that doesn't pertain to them. They don't seem to understand that you have dreams and goals just as they do.

I guess you're wondering why I made up the word situationship, lol... I stated that word because a lot of time we as women dive into situations that we think or relationships and think that they are our happily ever after when they are just situations that feel right at that moment in time and the more you get to know that person the more you begin to realize that regardless to what they may bring to the table them as a whole just might not be what you want and are looking for. They may have come to you one way and now that its been several weeks, months, or even years they may have morphed into something or someone that you no longer recognize. They have gotten so comfortable with being near you and in this situationship until the person that they used to be when you met them has disintegrated and died...

Never Put ALL Your Eggs In One Basket

I am 41 years of age and I am just beginning to understand EXACTLY what that statement means. You are to never in life depend on one person or one thing to satisfy you and/or make you happy. I also now as an adult understand that you are to NEVER put your TRUST and complete HAPPINESS in man and only into GOD. I have heard this statement all of my life and one would think after hearing it so often you would get it right? Nah, not so sometimes we fall in love so fast and so hard (or at least what we think is love) and we forget all of the lessons that we have learned from previous relationships, friendships, or situationships. As women, we get caught up in our feelings and a lot of the hurt, pain, and anguish we went through just kind of flies out of the window. You are supposed to forgive (to a certain degree) but you are to NEVER forget that way you won't go through it again but sometimes we do FORGET and find ourselves in compromising situations that lead to heartbreak, stress, anxiety, and a lot of shit that truly makes no sense at all.

I was writing on my book and listening to smooth grooves and this blog just came to my mind all because I am laying in bed next to my better half and I have to say there have been times where I would not do something that I want to do for me due to how I THINK he would feel. Not to say that he would actually feel some type of way about me doing something to make me happy I mean after all "He's Asleep" but this is what I WOULD THINK... This is apart of my past life, abusive relationship life, anxiety that I have developed from past relationships of me doing all I could to make others happy and basically saying fuck my own feelings. I kind of brought all of that baggage into this relationship.

Now don't get me wrong this relationship has not and was not perfect from start to now and it still isn't but by no means would he ever stop me from doing something to make me happy and with the attitude I have now if he did try I would more than likely laugh at him and do it anyway...why? because I am a disabled woman and there aren't many things I do entertain myself... I am a very ole school woman... I watch the Golden Girls, Fraiser, George Lopez and The Jamie Foxx show at night and I have my share of reality shows I love... I spend most of my time reading, writing, or playing the Sims 4 and I am a strong advocate for the illnesses I have which are Myasthenia Gravis, Graves Disease, HypoThyroid, Asthma and anything else I can help with... I love to make people smile and take away their stress as much as I can when I can...

I am a very simple chick... BUT...

I have said all of this in this blog to say THIS!!!

Never allow a relationship, friendship, situation, job, friend, lover, or even a FAMILY MEMBER cause you to develop FEAR within yourself to cause you to put YOUR LIFE and YOUR DREAMS to the side for their BULLSHIT... because that is what it is if its not providing you with YOUR OWN PLACE, FOOD, PAYING YOUR BILLS in your life its bullshit cause if you help them achieve their shit they can walk away at any time and that will leave you with what


So with that being said...


Yours Truly,
BG :)